Kamal - Strength of Character

A few years back I spoke about the strength of Mind over Body and wondered if I would have the mental strength if I were to face a dire situation. Another such example hit me in the face recently.

What would you do if you had a good life going and then lost your young son to disease and new born to doctor's error? If your happy life collapsed around you? Would you accept help from friends to pick yourself up or would you try to live your life with dignity and then pick yourself up? Would you wallow in sorrow and waste your life or would you have the strength to carry on and lead life in whatever form?

This is a story of one such man who chose one particular path.

Kamal fell in love and married a girl against the wishes of his and her parents. His parents felt that they had been insulted many times by the girl's father because they were right but he accepted his son's choice. Kamal worked as a customer exec in a shipping firm, stayed with his family, had a son and was leading a normal content life. He was a doting involved father taking care of his son and getting immense love in return. His son's smile and hugs wiped away all his sadness.

At 2-1/2 his son was diagnosed with stage three brain tumor and his world collapsed. His family collapsed in tears, acrimony and blame game from both sides. In one such discussion he told his family to cry once and then give him support as he could not deal with the grief and acrimony on a daily basis. That discussion led him to leave his house with his ill son while his family did not stop him. He was now running pillar to post with his son, dealing with his family and his grief. He quit his job to make the last few days of his son's life happy and to build his memories. In all this his wife was expecting their second child.

The child was healthy, in fact overweight, and all seemed OK. Kamal wanted the delivery to happen in his city but she wanted to go home to her mother. Kamal reluctuntly agreed. Her mother, inspite of having the best facilities, admitted her daughter in a government hospital for delivery. The interns there decided to wait for a normal delivery inspite of the baby being large and the first one being a C-section. The baby died in the womb and the uterus burst. Kamal had lost his second child and his wife lost the ability to have any more children to negligence and ego. When Kamal got to know he rushed there, checked her out of the hospital and admitted her in a private hospital where she stayed for almost a month.

Kamal was not a lonely soul with no family, no money, no happiness and no future. What would you do at this stage? That is where the strength of character shows!

Kamal went to his friend, almost his brother-from-another-mother, who had a taxi business and asked to be hired. His friend and his family told him that they would loan him money to buy a taxi of his own and Kamal could pay them whatever and whenever he wanted. Kamal had reached a fork in his life and had a choice. On one route was Sympathy, the easy route out. If he took that route he would live his life in emotional debt and succumb to people's help, never able to stand on his own. The other route of Dignity as the difficult one. He would have to dig deep in his character, refuse help and learn to stand on his own again. Kamal asked to be hired as a driver like any other driver. And that's what he became - a tentative driver - driving happy people around but living in his own shell. He gained experience as a driver and after some time left his friend's agency and that city to start life as an experienced driver.

Kamal is ever smiling, ever helpful and one of the best people that I have met. He is one of those guys who make you feel comfortable and secure. You would feel that his life must be so happy outside work because he excudes such happiness in his twinkling eyes and smiling face. If you meet Kamal you will never know this side of his life. Kamal's dream is to save enough money and buy a cab of his own so that he can become independent. Who is he and how do I know this story?

Kamal is my favourite Avis cab driver. I always ask for him even before I got to know this story. After knowing his story, my respect for him has gone up many many level. If I have even an iota of the strength of character that he has, I would be a secure man!

A salute to you, my friend! And a prayer that you find happiness!

2012 Goals

Its time to welcome 2012 with open arms, hug it, kiss it and set goals for the year. What do we wish to accomplish this year? What changes need to made in the physical and mental world to tide over whatever the year has to offer?

It always helps to set goals for the year so that you have a path to map. I've done it over the last two years - Resolutions 2010 & 2011 - which have helped me to evaluate myself in a much more objective manner.

And so here are my Resolutions for 2012. This time I have decided to keep them simple and measurable.

1. WRITE MORE: At least 15 book blogs and 50 personal blogs for the year. Get one story published in some form - print or web.
2. DO LESS: Specific to a friend who will understand.
3. LEARN GOLF: Start this at least this year.
4. ONE ADVENTURE EXPERIENCE: Everest Base Camp Trek or something else.
   
5. REDUCE BELLY: Shave off at least 2" from waist.
   
6. HOLIDAY: Two learning & relaxing holidays with family. One with friends.
   
7. DO MORE: More of charity work. More of charity contributions. Give back some more.
8. LEARN: Something new - language, course related to work etc.
   

So there, plain and simple are the 8 resolutions for 2012.

What are yours?

2011 - A Retrospect

And so one more year rolls by in the journey of life. Another year of happiness, sadness, angst, euphoria, smiles, tears and experiences. 2011 was an uneventful year in terms of extreme highs or depressing lows and I am thankful to God for that. An uneventful year is a year well spent because if gives you peace and contentment. It does not stress you and gives you time to spend with yourself. That does not mean, of course, that interesting things did not happen in the year - on the contrary, there were a lot of things that happened this year.

The start of the year was with a bit of stress - stress of the job I was doing and wondering where I am headed in the organisation. While I loved working in Citrix, I was not enjoying my work and so getting a bit stressed about it. Thankfully another door opened and I moved into a different role which has given me immense learning and a good stress. I enjoy my work, love my organisation and can see growth prospects in the role.

The middle of the year saw the GMC's long cherished dream of a holiday coming true. We finally went to Singapore as a group in May. We planned, we holiday-ed, we had fun, we got to know each other a lot better and we survived. For me the holiday was an eye-opener in terms of getting to know the others. My feelings for one got stronger, my feelings for another got weaker and my feelings for the third the same. But, yes, we did have a lot of fun together and may do another holiday soon. Ruchi moved out to Mumbai and the group dynamics of GMC changed completely. With a disjointed extension the group no longer meets as often though we speak to each other seperately. We realised that we need to put in more effort now to keep the group together.

The later part of the year saw my parents shifting base from Delhi to Mumbai and that was an interesting experience. It was nostalgic in terms of packing and un-packing stuff, things that we used to do so very often when we were kids. After a stay of over 15 years, my parents let go of a lot of inconsequential things in Delhi and moved their life to Mumbai and Hyderabad - a monumental move at their age and stage of life. A lot of respect for them.

On a personal front, I jumped twice this year - once from the top of a tower in Macau (Bungee) and once from a plane in San Francisco (Skydiving). That has got my adventure buds tingling and I want to do one adventure every year. I've started planning for a Trek to Everest Base Camp for 2012 - lets see if it happens. The year ended on a not-to-good a note as I hurt a close friend - something that I never intended to do. That made me resolve to try not to do that in 2012, back off and not put too much pressure on the friend for this relationship.

And so its time to re-look at the 2011 resolutions made at the beginning of the year and see how we fared. So here goes:

1. STAY HEALTHY: Make sure that I use the gym at least 50% of the time i.e 183 days at least. Why 50%? Because I travel a lot and because weekends are off-limits. {Used much less but thankfully did not gain too much weight}.
2. STAY HAPPY: Try to reduce stress as much as possible. Remember nothing in life is worth stressing about. {Overall was a happy year}
   
3. BE A GOOD FRIEND: Unobtrusive, always at hand, helpful, lending a shoulder. Try not to loose a friendship. Be open in thoughts. Do not judge anyone. {Undecided. Was obtrusive but good on other counts. Must ask Sowmya to rate this one}
   
4. BE A GOOD HUSBAND & FATHER: Take care of the family. Do not be a cause of stress to wife and kids. Be helpful to kids and stand by them. Try to inculcate good values in them through practice and not preaching. {Fairly OK}
   
5. TRY NEW THINGS: Push the limits of experience. Try new things - be they food or experiences. Bungee Jumping and Sky Diving are two things I want to do this year. {Definite Yes, both done}
   
6. LEARN GOLF: This is a unfulfilled resolutions carried over from last year. Its a great game and teaches one a lot of patience and focus. Try to learn golf. {Carried over & Carry Over}
   
7. HAVE MORE HOLIDAYS: Learn to relax and chill. Try to have at least 1 holiday every quarter with family and friends. {Between Singapore, Kolkata and others - this was OK}
   
8. BUILD A BRAND: Build a brand for myself. Try to see if I can use my experience and knowledge to build a name for myself. Try to speak on marketing at colleges and events - at least 6 speaking opps this year. Try to blog on marketing on a popular site - at least 12 blogs in the year. {This was a no-go from the time I changed my job}
   
9. BLOG MORE: Continue blogging on this and my other blog. While the Book Review blog is active based on the books that I read, this blog has suffered. I want to try and cross 150 blogs on this blog - thats 70 blogs in 365 days. {Book Review was OK but Pensieve suffered big time. Must do better though I crossed 100 blogs finally}
   
10. EDUCATE MYSELF: Identify the gaps in my skill sets and undergo training to fill those gaps. These could be executive education or sessions in that particular skill set. Constantly try to learn new skills and things. Keep the brain active. More importantly use those skills in daily life - professional or personal. {Carried Over & Carry Over}
    
11. PUBLISH SOMETHING: Try to get my writing published. Could be a book, an article, a story, a letter but try and see if my writing can be spread wider. {Got my blogs published but then it was a self-publishing exercise}

Thank you for 2011 and time to look forward to 2012! Adios 2011!

Value perception of a Gift

'Its the thought that matters' is a oft used line when one gets a gift - the assumption being that the gifter has given enough thought to the likes and dislikes of the giftee to make this the perfect representation of what the giftee would love and swoon over. But have you noticed that this line is usually used when the 'swooning' does not happen. If the giftee really loves the gift, the eyes sparkle, the face lights up, the smile widens and a bear hug usually follows or at least a heartfelt Thank you. If none of the above happens and you get this line from the giftee - rest assured the gift was not liked that much but the giftee is too polite to say it.

Let's be frank among friends - isn't that the truth? How many times have you used this line on someone when you were not too pleased with the gift but had to show that you were.

A very basic core emotion of humans is satisfaction which comes from materialistic things. We put a value to all things that we experience in life. Our perception of the value may differ from someone else's but we do put a value on 'it' and IT also includes gifts that we get from time to time. When we get an unexpected gift or when we get a gift we really wanted and love, we show our emotions much more easily because we have put tremendous value on that gift. The 'Value Quotient' is very high.

This dichotomy between value and thought hit home recently on two diverse occasions. I am a strong believer in the 'thought' process of gifting i.e to gift a unique thing to close people after giving it considerable thought. I have gifted things like a bar game to people who enjoy drinks, a unique ash tray to friends who smoke, a framed group photo with messages from all the friends and some more.

For one of my friend I have been gifting these unique gifts over a period of time. Some of the gifts have been expensive and sometime not but each gift had a thought process, a reason and effort behind making it. In my perception the VQ was high but not for my friend. This year I gave my friend a branded product - something where I put a thought but low effort. The reaction was interesting as the friend thought that I had 'upped' the bar this year with the gift. For my friend, this gift had a high VQ!

At the other end, I recently gave another friend a unique customised pair of shoes where I put a lot of thought into the design, the colour scheme, the message, the type of shoe and followed up with the artist to get it done. For me the VQ was extremely high for this gift. When I showed it to some other people though for them the statement was 'You are gifting a shoe'? It just hit me that the VQ for my friend may not be that high for the gift.

At the end of the day all of us value the percieved monetory aspect of the gift rather than the thought given to the gift and that's a reality. In 2012, lets make a resolution to try and get beyond that.

When you get a gift, look at the thought process behind the gift and not the monetory value. If you say - 'Its the thought that matters' - mean it!

910603234300000

No, this is not someone's phone number or mobile number or a bank account number. This is, apparently, the total amount of money that the country has lost due to corruption at a larger scale. The figures may vary but we cannot dispute the fact that this is a significant amount lost for the people - money that could have been put to a good use for our betterment, if not for the greed of a few people.

At the cost of sounding unpolitical and making a drastic statement, I condone but understand the small time corruption of a few hundred rupees done by the policeman for letting you go for a traffic violation or the clerk for making your file 'move faster' but I don't understand the multi-crore rupees scam that a few people indulge in! I do agree that at one level its the same virus of corruption albeit at a much larger scale but don't the people who initiate these kinds of scams realise that the fallout of that is immense? Yes, for every few scams unearthed and the people caught, there could be many more still hidden in our country but isn't the whole media glare and ignomity of being paraded naked of all reputation enough for the others to get scared? Or is the lure of immense wealth so strong that people still indulge in these scams? Have scams become a part of our culture? And have we as people become immune to it?

Didn't this clerk realise that he would get caught or did he think that if he did he could 'bribe' himself out of it? The other thing that I find difficult to fathom is that these indivuduals who scam the government and us cannot enjoy their money openly anyway! If they do, they risk getting caught - so what fun is amassing wealth that you cannot use? Is it for their children? And when they get caught and their reputation is tarnished? Would their children be happy? I guess the question is how much is enough? Once the corruption virus enters your psychology when does it let go? Or does it at all?

I guess the DNA for people who are corrupt and aren't is different. We must aim to inculcate some simple values in our children - in the next generation.

• Money is not everything - its just something to help you live the way you want to happily.
• Having more money does not mean that you are smart. Give them examples of Harshad Mehta, Telgi, Katta, Kalmadi.
• Money cannot buy you respect. That has too be earned and you earn it by doing the right things.
  

I read this brilliant article in HBR - Money and the meaning of life - that reflects a lot of thoughts that I have about the importance of money in ours lives. Greed should not be the motivator for money.

LG & My issues!

No No....this is n't about the company LG or any consumer issues and complaints. This is the first part of the LGBT segment of people. For those who don't know that acronym (which world are you in, really?) its stands for 'Lesbian Gay Bisexual & Transgender' segment of people.

And I don't have any personal issues with the LG segment in that. Like any other straight guy I fantasise about lesbians and wonder about gay men. But at the same time I also live life with a credo - To each his own. If that is what makes one happy then so be it. Happiness is what matters most. What would I do if a gay man hit on me? I don't know - I'll probably be flattered but also let him know that my orientation is different.

So what is my issue? While I am OK with gay marriage and gay couples, I am not able to reconcile myself with gay parenthood. I am still of the traditional belief that a child needs both a father and a mother for a balanced mental growth. The influences of a man and a woman in the child's life probably help the child to get a balanced view of both the sexes that would help him/her in the long term.

But under this logic what about children of single parents or divorced parents or widowed parents or even children of parents that fight or abuse each other, you may ask? And you are right. I believe that the effects on these situations do shape the mental makeup of the child as he/she grows up. I am sure there is research out there somewhere which talks about how it affects the child in adulthood. Could be commitment phobia or becoming abusive or assuming that this is how life is etc. These don't bother me as much since I probably take these are part of 'natural' world - the italics and quotes being mine.

I think that in parenthood it is natural to have one male and one female member as part of your family. In all the above scenarios there is one member but not the other and that is a gap that is felt. The child probably grows up assuming that gap is a natural and tries to fill up that gap in adulthood in his/her own way. I think the world has become sensitive enough to take these situations as normal and educate the child in its own way. Gay parenthood, on the other hand, is something that is new and will require a whole lot of culture change in society and people. I think its unfair to put that burden on a small child of having to explain to their peers on why both their parents are male or female. I think that is expecting a lot from the child and its not fair to force that on a child for your own happiness.

What would the child go through? How would the child reconcile with the fact that everywhere there is one of each of both sexes but in my family both are of one kind. In the traditional world of father (male) and mother (female), who do I call father and mother when both are males or females? I find that situation difficult to explain and reconcile in my mental make-up. Is it right for gay couples to make a child go through all that pain for your own happiness?

At this moment I am on the side of 'No' for gay parenthood. I still need conviction to believe that its a correct thing. I still think society needs to mature way too much to give children of gay parents a fair chance at growing up. In a world that still does not accept gay relationships that easily, is it right to make the small children go through the trails and tribulations that will definitely accompany gay parents?

I am not sure. What about you?

To charity or not?

So here's a question that has been troubling me for some time now.

Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Vinod Khosla and a whole lot of wealthiest individuals and families in America decided to commit to give the majority of their wealth to the philanthropic causes and charitable organizations of their choice either during their lifetime or after their death. You can see all those 'donations' on 'The Giving Pledge'.

And then they decided to come to India to ask Indian noblesse to contribute their wealth. When they didn't get a great response the Indian media started to take them to task. And that's what has been troubling me. Is that right? Do the rich have to contribute their wealth? Is that an obligation or should it come from the heart? Are we right to judge those that decide not to contribute?

The answer to this debate gets into the realm of morality and capitalism v/s socialism. In our mass Indian culture, capitalism or the need to amass wealth is looked at with scorn. In line with our spiritual perception we are supposed to be altruistic in nature and also, incidentally, politically right and diplomatic. We are not supposed to flaunt our wealth and people who remain 'the same' inspite of being wealthy are rewarded with kind words and good image as compared to people who 'flaunt' their wealth. Don't believe me? Tell me what you think of Azim Premji or Narayan Murthy and now what do you think of Mukesh Ambani. Believe me now?

Coming back to the topic I have three views on the questions that I raised.

View 1: In US of A, the kids leave the house at 18 and are supposed to make a life of their own. In fact old age homes are a neccesity and taken for granted. Parents take care of themselves and go to an old age home. In such a scenario the thinking is more for yourself as compared to your kids. You have to first take care of yourself. If after that you have money left over, I guess you are at a liberty to think of giving away that wealth for a good cause and indulge in philantrophy. In India we start our lives thinking about ourselves and when we have kids we start living for them. All our success and wealth is tuned towards how we can take care of our children to the best of our ability till we die. We amass wealth to an extent to try and ensure that our children will live a happy life in case they are not able to find success that we did. If they do then they continue to grow the wealth for their kids. It is assumed that our children will take care of us in our old age and hence we do not make 'arrangements' for ourselves. In such a situation the wealth that we are earning is for our children and hence probably the low levels of obvious philantrophy.

View 2: Usually when you have wealth that people think you should share, you have worked very hard to get that wealth. Even if its ancestral if you have grown it, you have worked hard to do that. So I assume one would like to enjoy the wealth that one has worked hard for. If a Mukesh Ambani decides to build an Atilla, why not? he's worked for it. If I buy a new car every few years, I've worked hard to be able to do that. I believe that a person has a right to decide how he/she wants to spend the money that they have worked hard for and we have no right to judge someone who does not do blatant philantrophy.

And View 3: Philantrophy or charity is something that must come from the heart. It cannot be forced on you. Either you want to do it or you don't want to. You don't put a spotlight on someone and ask them to be philantrophic. At the same time, I believe that charity and philantrophy should not be spoken about. If you really believe in it and want to do it, you should do it quietly. Its not something to garner publicity from.

A recent article in Sunday Times resonated with my thinking in some ways and got to pen my thoughts down. You can read more about that here.

So there, at the present time these are my thoughts. Maybe these will change over time. I am sure a lot of you will disagree with some of my views and maybe some of you will agree.

For me charity or philantrophy must come from the heart and must be something that you do for yourself, not to tell others.